This was one of my first time shooting photography in a Studio when I was in college at CU Boulder 6 years ago. I remember walking through the Art Studio halls trying to grab inspiration. I really back then did not have much thought in what I was shooting.
The mind has crazy ways of self-expression if when conscientiously you have no idea. Back in college it seemed like keggers, sorority frat partys and football games. So unaware of the foundations of adulthood was being laid down like bricks on a wall.
6 years later I look at my art that I created, that did not have much purpose back then. Would now reveal so much about who I have become and will continue to grow into.
I remembered directing my friend to just represent different emotions, and I just kept clicking away. Hiding behind the lens unsure what I was going to find developing in the dark room. I was unsure back then, now I am slowly starting to make sense of it.
The unconsciense is slowly becoming part of my consciousness. Everyone has pain, physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain and inner demons that all of us, yes all of carry with us.
Right now, I am going through a life experience that is exhausting physically, however the emotional experiences out weight the physical without a doubt.
People say I am such a strong person. I’ll be completely honest here the first few days out of the hospital was some of the hardest for me. I remember crying myself to sleep. I remember telling my sister “why do I always have to be the strong one, why can’t some one else be it for a change.”
Everyone has their lowest dark times, and are incomparable to others. The the thing is when all reach that low point we can relate despite the variable of events that led us to that place.
I’ve had many dark places in my life, some I’ll share and some I’ll tuck away. Through out all this people keep saying over and over again with two near death experiences with my life hanging on threads within two years,”you have a very important purpose , the universe is keeping you for a reason.”
I take it with a grain of salt because I am still processing, like how I processed that picture I took 6 years ago that made no real emotional connection to me. Now 6 years later it’s like the message just knocked me out.
We bury our fears, we tuck away our secrets, protect our traumatic experiences away far back in the deepest layers (files as i say) in our minds. Hopes of forgetting. We can never lie to ourselves, and our brains are so complex forgetting is not an option.
I am the queen of “fun times” and smiley faces, despite all the tucking away, it will eventually all reveal itself. Through my life choices, how I communicate with others, and the way I view the world. All the cover ups sneaks and wiggles its way out.
remember my professor says pick objects, and I really just went and shot things at random so I thought. I took pictures of bikes on pathways, paths through my beautiful campus of CU Boulder or University of Colorado at Boulder. And then this candle…when I got back to my sorority house (yes I was a sorority girl, a Chi Omega…lived in a big movie like sorority house mansion and all , its the last picture).
Now it makes sense, relinquish my fears and inner demons, and find my truths. There is always no matter how big or small as long as I see light I can keep my faith that things will be ok.
Who would of though six years later those back then to me that young college student take pictures just to get by in grades, later would look back at them to help me process and link the lessons in life that I am learning now.
so the set finally fits,
the first is letting go…
the second was sculptures on pearl st in boulder but they represents inner demons now
the next two where my paths i took to class the equals the path of life.
the candle is the little light of hope
and lastly the chi omega house to representing truths and inner peace.
art medium: Nikon D50, Illford HP5 Plus film, MULTIGRADE IV RC PORTFOLIO pearl finish photo paper